Funny Jokes the Russians Are Coming

June 21, 2022 Post a Comment

Well, Russia is in the news, to say the to the lowest degree. While the state of affairs in Ukraine couldn't be more than serious, we believe there is ever room for a few laughs.

Russian Jokes: 'Meanwhile in Russia'

Russia is making worldwide news. Meanwhile in Russia…:

Reagan Shares Funny Russian Jokes (208,000 Likes on YouTube)

Back in the eighties, US President Ronal Reagan delivered a few hilarious jokes about Russian federation (Which he did non share with Gorbatchev, as he specifies):

Russian Military machine Jokes and Memes

Putin heard that many Russian soldiers are getting sick in Ukraine, so he sends a health inspector to join the Russian army to meliorate its germ-free weather. The inspector asks a general:
"How do you gear up drinking water?"
"First, we filter it. So nosotros eddy it."
"And after that?"
"Well… just to be cautious, nosotros merely drinkable vodka."

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Most people around the world make fun of Putin's army and its inability to defeat Ukraine'south troops:

The Russian ground forces'south mastery of weapons and camouflage vehicles is indeed not the best, as shown on the two examples beneath:

russian army joke — *Credit: WeAreTheMighty.com*

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Russians are trying to withdraw their money from the depository financial institution

As a result of the war in Ukraine and the international response, the Russian ruble is losing value fast, and Russians every bit starting to resent Putin's actions. Here is a good Putin joke nearly this:

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A man is waiting in line for several hours at his local banking company to effort to withdraw his money. He loses patience, and, furiously, ends upwards screaming "This was a stupid war. I'k going to go and kill Putin because he's done all of this."

He goes to the Kremlin, fuming.

A few minutes later, he is back in line at the bank.

"Hey y'all came back" says some other person waiting in line "what happened?"

"The line at the Kremlin is even longer than this one…"

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Putin Suffered a Heart Attack During the Ukraine War:

He went into a coma for several years:

(Hryvnias is the Ukrainian currency). Credit: Svarec.

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"65% of people in the United States are not able to locate Ukraine on a map. They are actually ahead of their time."

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are all in a hot air balloon

Unfortunately, the airship is starting to lose altitude fast and all 3 realize that they need to lose weight. Putin throws out a bottle of vodka: "Nosotros have too much vodka in Russia anyway."

Biden throws out an AK-47 and says "We accept too many weapons in the United States anyway."

Zelensky throws out Putin and says "We accept too much of that in Ukraine anyhow." But the airship crashes anyway due to the massive weight of Zelensky'south balls.

(Culling joke: Ukraine has lost its biggest warship. Zelensky visited them and sank the send because of the weight of his massive balls.")

Russian Political Jokes

Putin likes to send his political opponents, dissidents, and by and large people that bother him, to the goulag, or to their graves:

putin meme about a woman being russian president

"You tin can criticize Putin as much every bit you want… But very few people are actually able to run 2 countries at once"

When Russia announced it had introduced a new vaccine… which no one was actually willing to take.

The Best Text Jokes about Russian federation

Some of the best Putin Jokes are elementary brusk text jokes:

Where exercise Russians become their milk? From Mos-cows.
What exercise you call a Russian wedding? A Soviet Union.
What are the Russians peoples' favorite dessert? Rice Putin.
What'southward the oldest form of Russian humor? Tsarcasm.
Vladimir Putin walks up to a community agent at the airport after landing in a foreign land. Amanuensis asks: Name? Putin says: Vladimir. The amanuensis asks: Occupation? Putin responds: No, I'm only visiting this land.
Changing the time zones. Russian federation is the state in the world with the almost different time zones (11), stretching from Europe to China. Putin's assistant gets frustrated with all these time zones and suggests Putin to put an end to them. He shares with Putin:
– I am really getting lost betwixt all these time zones… and it'southward causing problems. Terminal calendar week, I flew from Moscow to a metropolis in East Russia, called my family unit and woke everyone upwards past accident because of the fourth dimension departure. I also call Macron (French president) to wish him a happy birthday and he told me it was the mean solar day earlier.
I call the Chinese President to wish him a happy new yr, and he said it's not until the side by side mean solar day.
– Well, says Putin, these are not big bug… it is worth really irresolute all these time zones?
– Sure. Just when the Polish president died in a plane crash, I called the Smooth Prime Minister to share my condolences… only the plane hadn't taken off yet!
I've just realized my new boyfriend is a communist. I should have paid attending to all the red flags on the first date.
What is Ukraine's biggest import? The Russian armed services.
What is the well-nigh popular band in Chernobyl? Fall Out Boy.
What do y'all phone call a Russian fish? A Arbiter-dine.
In Russia, you don't vote for President Putin. President Putin votes for you.
Why did it have the Us military so long to assistance Ukraine? We were Biden our time.
I hate these Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves.
Why do Russians simply write in lowercase letters? They hate Capitalism.
I have a friend who is a Russian sound technician. And a Czech i too. A Czech one as well.
5 out 6 Russian doctors agree that Russian Roulette is safe to play.
Did you lot hear almost the Wasp who was a Russian spy? He was a Cagey B agent.
I met a Russian UBER driver the other twenty-four hours. His proper name was Pikup Andropov.
My friend was a great Russian Roulette actor. He's only lost in one case.
What's the all-time thing to use a Russian laptop for? ComPutin.
Do Russians just use rods when they go angling? No, nyet.
Why are Russian Catholics so rare? Considering they're unorthodox.
Did yous hear near the man that got turned into a Chevy? He goes by Vlad the Impala these days.
Did you lot know Cardi B has a cousin who's a Russian spy? Her proper name's Kaygee B.
Why did the Russian gymnasts' homo pyramid fall over? They didn't have Oleg to stand on.
An experiment conducted by Russian Scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals surprising information. Nobody actually reads Russian names.
What'due south the difference between the Russian government and a vacuum cleaner? There's simply i dirtbag in the vacuum.
Why don't Russian spies go to the White House when they search for American intelligence? Considering they e'er exit empty handed.
What'south the divergence between a Russian sauna and a joke website? One is total of male person steam, the other is total of stale memes.
Why is the inventor of Russian Roulette considered a genius? Because his thought was mind bravado.
Why are Donald Trump's ties and so long? Because his ties go all the way to Russia.
I saw Putin sharing a few jokes. I didn't care for his jokes, just I liked his execution.
Two Russian prisoners were sitting in a gulag. The beginning one asks: How long do yous have? The second replies: "Ten years". "For what?" the commencement one asks. "For nothing!" the second responds. "You lot liar!" the start exclaims: "For nothing they only requite you v years."
A Russian man goes to the USA for an centre check up. The Doctors shows an middle chart that reads: CZWXNQSTAZKY. The Physician asks: Tin can you read this? The Russian man replies: Not only can I read it. I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
A Russian runs into a bar. Quick! Rapidly! He yells at the bartender. A vodka before it starts! The bartender quickly pours him a shot of vodka which the Russian drinks in ane gulp. Another! Fast before it starts… The bartender gives him some other one which the Russian drinks immediately. Bustle, bustle another one before it starts… The bartender asks "how are you lot going to pay for these?" The Russian throws up his hands and says "ahhhh now it starts!"
There once was a pessimist and an optimist. The pessimist was drinking cognac, and said, 'This smells like bed bugs!' The optimist grabbed a bedbug from the wall, sniffed it and said, 'Well, doesn't this smell a bit like cognac!'
What's amend: Russian jokes or Irish gaelic jokes? Russian jokes. Irish gaelic jokes are commonly O'ffensive.
A russian man walked into a bar with a piece of cobblestone under his arm. One vodka for me, and one for the road.
Russian Math instructor: If I have 5 bottles of vodka in one arm, and half-dozen bottles of vodka in the other. What practice I have? Russian Student: A drinking problem.
Russian dr.: Ma'am, due to your failing health, I would advise you to no longer affect anything alcoholic. Adult female: I guess I'll take to get a divorce.
Two Russian aristocrats walked into a bar. The 3rd ane ducked.
Vodka isn't always the solution to your issues. But it's worth a shot.
A Russian child constitute a lost bottle full of vodka on the playground. He raced it over to the law station and promised the boy they would get to the bottom of it.
A Russian polar bears walks into a bar. He sits downwardly and says: "I'd like a gin and……. Tonic, please." The bartender asks: "Why the long pause?" The Polar bear holds up his hands and says: "They're not that long are they?"
I'1000 starting the all-Vodka diet. So far I've lost 3 days this calendar week.
When life throws you lemons, add Vodka.
A Russian family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will exist going upward. "This means at that place volition be some major changes for our family, comrades," says the human. "Yous mean you lot volition be drinking less?" asks his son. "Nyet," says the father. "You volition all be eating less."
Did you lot know you lot can bathe pigs with vodka? Information technology is Absolut Hogwash.
What would you call a pissed off shot of vodka? Mean spirited.
The ghost of Vladimir Lenin floats into a bar. "Ane vodka please!" The bartender responds, "Sad, we don't serve spirits here."
A Russian homo told his British wife that sometimes he loves his vodka and lycopersicon esculentum juice more than her. Angrily, she responded: "If that's the example, why don't you encarmine mary it?"
A man walks into a bar and orders eight shots of vodka. "Woah accept it like shooting fish in a barrel there buddy, we're open all nighttime", says the bartender "You lot'd be drinking like this too if you had what I've got" "Ah I'm pitiful to hear that, I wasn't trying to be insensitive. What do you lot have, if you don't mind my asking" "1 ruble."
In Russia, a screwdriver isn't orange juice with vodka. It'south Vodka with orange juice.
On his beginning trip to America, Vladimir stopped at a McDonald's. "One vodka please!" The cashier backside the counter said: "Sir, this is a McDonald'south." Vladimir replied: "Oh lamentable, one McVodka please!"
Donal Trump is like an expensive bottle of vodka. Expensive, made of potatoes, and wouldn't exist here if not for Russia.
How exercise you fix a cleaved bottle of vodka? Yous plough information technology smirnon and smirnoff again.
A Russian man walked out of a bar to smoke. He sees a shot on vodka on the roof. He taps some other human on the shoulder and asks: "What's that shot of vodka doing up there?" The man replies: "Oh. That one's on the house."
Vodka isn't just a liquid. It's a solution!
Why is Russian vodka then clear? It'due south and then Russians can tell information technology isn't tap water.
A woman asked her hubby: What forces you to drink vodka every day? The husband replied: Nobody forces me, I volunteer.
A Russian cop pulls over a man for suspected drunk driving. "Blow into this tube please so I can detect if you've drunk anything today." The human blows and the results come up negative. The cop says: "This stupid thing must be broken". The cop blows into himself- DING! POSITIVE. "No, I approximate it is working
A Russian homo walks up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot. The bartender asks, "Straight?" The man says: "We'll see how I feel after this shot."